Hard Conversations Made Easy
WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN COMMON?
When you are involved in a conflict, identifying the common ground is often hard. You and the other person may both want great outcomes for the organisation. You may both respect each other’s talents. But this gets lost in the traffic.
It can be useful gaining insight into what you both want. If you can identify the common ground, you can generally have a constructive conversation.
Many years ago, I worked with the late David Newton, a pioneer of mediation in Australia. During my training, David emphasised the importance of the mediator identifying common ground and interest between the parties.
‘Common ground,’ he said, ‘is not just agreement about facts or legal issues. It is an expression covering all of the things that the parties can feel positive about, or value each other for.’ It covers aspects such as valuing the relationship, wanting a productive and happy workplace, and appreciating each other’s expertise.
The common ground is where you find the possibility of resolving the conflict. Focusing on common ground is no less important when you are ‘self-mediating’ and having hard conversations than it is in formal mediations. In both instances, it provides the seeds for constructive conversation.
Sometimes, in a hard conversation, there may seem to be simply no common ground. What do you do then? Keep looking – there is almost always something both parties want. For example, if you are making someone redundant, the common ground might be that you both want them to be treated respectfully.
Identifying what the common ground might be is always useful. When you are struggling, you might formulate some open questions to use when you meet. For example, you might say, ‘I was wondering what was important for you in this situation’ or ‘What are the one or two things you really want?’ You might follow that up with, ‘What don’t you want?’
ANTICIPATE OBJECTIONS
Sometimes you find yourself blindsided during a hard conversation. A question or objection completely throws you off balance. Suddenly, what seemed clear becomes muddy.
To prepare well, you need to anticipate the potential objections and tough questions. Most people don’t bother to do this. If you fail to think about likely objections and questions, however, you increase the chances of being caught off-guard in the conversation.
By working through the possible objections, your confidence going into the conversation will skyrocket.
You might think you can never anticipate everything someone will say. And that’s true. But it’s amazing how much you can predict by using the self-reflection and perspective-taking process. You will anticipate most objections and tough questions.
By doing the hard work, you create the luxury of being able to plan how to respond before the conversation takes place. This builds confidence.
Anticipating objections is difficult when you don’t know the other person well. A useful approach is to ask, ‘What would I do if I was in their position?’
CLARIFICATION
As you head into a hard conversation, you may feel apprehensive. This is a very human response. One thing that will help calm you down is having a couple of clear goals and key messages.
Start by asking yourself, ‘What’s my goal/s in this conversation?’
PRACTISING FINDING GOALS
You might think that you can’t plan for a hard conversation, and that this approach won’t work. Consistent feedback from my clients tells me it does.
I’m not suggesting you create a script. You need to be in the moment. But having a few clear goals and key messages allows you to stay on track. When you get taken down a rabbit hole, you’ll be able to find your way back to the path.
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This is an edited extract from Mark Rosenberg’s book Mastering Hard Conversations, which explores how leaders can approach difficult conversations more effectively. Available as a paperback, ebook, and audiobook from all major platforms. Discover more here.
